Thursday, October 22, 2009

Angst

My dad is on a train right now, venturing down our way for the first time in about two years. We give him a break on this lack of visits because he has “the cancer,” but it is kind of ridiculous that he’s never even been to our house before and he only lives a six hour drive away. Nonetheless, I am excited to see him and spend the weekend with him.

He has been exceptionally great about this whole baby thing. He’s very excited to be a grandpa, but is also very supportive of us. This is opposed to the rest of my family who is making me sort of sad. My sister has given very little indication that she is even aware that I am pregnant. She has no interest in coming up here to see the baby and every time I talk to her it’s like she’s forgotten that I’m pregnant. I thought it might have something to do with my getting pregnant before her (she’s five years my senior) but I kind of don’t think that’s even an issue. I think she just basically doesn’t care. It’s weird because we’re very close. The only thing she seems to care about is dogs, because when our dog was sick a few weeks ago, she called twice a day to check on him, but with humans apparently she cannot be bothered. Gah.

Also, my mother. Oh my mother. She is mostly great about the whole thing, except for the fact that her primary concern is winning the grandparent race to see the child first. No one else is competing but her, mind you. My in-laws are coming on January 1st (at our request) and while my dad is coming down for the birth, he is primarily coming to help us out. My mother is very concerned about where she stands compared to my father and it makes me want to NOT call her when I go into labor. I know that’s cruel, but I cannot deal with people who stress me out when I’m dealing with giving birth.

There are several other things that are completely freaking me out these days:

1. The fucking flu. I’m all vaccinated (even the H1N1, though the stupid nurse started squirting it out of the needle before putting it in my arm, so perhaps I have a useless dosage coursing through my veins? Add that as a stressor too) but still concerned about it and worried that Brett will get it, or somehow the baby will not get any protection from me.

2. Daycare. We’re still waiting to roll off waiting lists and if we don’t get into a place I have no idea what we’ll do. Perhaps I’ll smuggle her into my office and just keep my door shut all day and play music really loud.

3. The dogs and what exactly we will do with them when I go into labor because our hospital is an hour away and it could very easily be Thanksgiving when all of the neighbors and friends will be either out of town or entertaining. I’m hoping we can rely on my dad, but that definitely means that mom will be pissed, but she’s just not very reliable.
Money because we need a new car and we need to pay for daycare (should we get into one) and somehow the thought of being a brand new mommy and the only bread winner is just a tad overwhelming at times.

4. Labor and fears thereof. Pain. Not being able to go natural and disappointing myself and my husband (and having to show up at the freaking birthing class reunion as the only one to get an epidural). I know this should not be a concern, as I should only be concerned for a healthy baby, but I’m being honest in my stupidity.

5. The general worries of not being a good enough mom. I assume this is natural, but every night when I go to sleep and look over the bassinet and think about the fact that soon there will be a tiny infant there who’s life is entirely in our hands makes me feel like the rest of this shit just doesn’t really matter. I just want to do right by our baby.

9 comments:

Jess said...

I totally hear you on all this stuff. I imagine I would have all the same worries if I were pregnant. And I am really sorry that your sister is acting this way about the whole thing, and not being supportive. I'm sure this is a reflection on her and not you, but that doesn't make it easier for you to deal with.

About number 5 though I can say that I have 100% confidence that you will be an awesome mom. Really. Your baby is so lucky to have you.

Banana said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Banana said...

I totally hear you - I had my first "I'm a bad mom" moment at the dentist office. The hygienist said that I was due for x-rays and I said, "OK." Then 30 seconds later she asked what was new and I told her I was pregnant. To which she replied, "then I guess we won't be doing those x-rays." It did not even occur to me that of course you can't have x-rays when you're pregnant. I felt like I should have remembered that.

CAQuincy said...

All normal. Even the "what if I cave and get an epidural!" angst. It's OK to voice it. We won't judge you (well, most rational-minded folks won't, anyway!).

So....breathe!

You'll be such a great mommy!

desperate housewife said...

I am really sorry about annoying family members. Especially uninvolved sisters. That bites.

PLEASE don't worry too much about the epidural thing. Just try to avoid induction, try to avoid going to the hospital too soon, and you'll probably be golden, assuming it's a fairly straightforward birth and not too terribly long.
And if you do get one? OH WELL. It's not like it means you didn't actually give birth or something! I think enduring nine months of pregnancy, avoiding alcohol, getting prenatal care and all the rest matters WAY more to your baby's health than whether or not she gets a few whiffs of Nubain or whatever. (I totally get yours feelings, btw, I always feel the same way, so I'm just telling you all the calming stuff I tell myself before labor!)

artemisia said...

I don't think there is any way you couldn't do right by your baby. You guys are awesome. Alone and together.

I say stick to your guns about what you need from your parents when YOU are in LABOR. They can deal with it or not, but you deserve the experience to be a stress-free and supportive as possible.

Alice said...

i think stressing out about being a mom is the first step to BEING a good mom :-)

Penny said...

Regarding the pain thing, having tried naturally twice and failed twice, I will say:

a) people experience different amounts of pain. I firmly believe that those who can do it drug free experience, in general, much much less pain. Pain is higher when you have big babies, posterior babies, your water breaks early, or you are augmented with pitocin. I had all four, hooray! So know that much of the drug-free pain management is geared toward a certain threshold of pain that does not often include the aforementioned situations.

b) When you're in the thick of bad contractions, you will start seriously soul searching why you want a drug-free birth. It would be handy if you did some soul searching now, so that you know going in why you are doing it. And then have those people repeat it to you when you're failing to remember. But even then, when you are really In It, new answers may emerge and surprise you. I thought I wanted it, and I thought deep down I knew it was best for me, but when I was in it, I realized (for me! just for me!) what a load of bull the idea of a "better birth" via no drugs was (just for me! not you!), especially when I'd had every other intervention on the face of the earth already. It seemed kind of silly to refuse intervention #301, ya know? Plus, as I mentioned before, I had a LOT of pain going on that wasn't expected when I decided to go drug free.

Fiona Picklebottom said...

Dude. I had FOUR epidurals. FOUR. I had a couple of them put in before I could even feel the contractions, that's how pain-averse I am. If you go natural, I will consider you a birthing rock god. :)

Sorry about the sister and mom stuff.

You'll be a great mom!