Thursday, October 29, 2009

And so it begins

I know this doesn't mean it's going to happen soon, but as of yesterday I'm 1.5 cm dilated and definitely losing my mucus plug. AHHHHH!!!!!

Okay, will remain calm and return to job at hand, which would be actual job.

Any of you mommies out there dilate at 36 weeks and lose your plug this early too? Tell me your stories in gory detail.

P.S. I just goggled "mucus plug" and you should definitely not do this, because there are pictures. Just saying. Be wary. Also, there are 12,000 ways to spell mucus and I have no idea which way is correct.

Thursday, October 22, 2009


My dad is on a train right now, venturing down our way for the first time in about two years. We give him a break on this lack of visits because he has “the cancer,” but it is kind of ridiculous that he’s never even been to our house before and he only lives a six hour drive away. Nonetheless, I am excited to see him and spend the weekend with him.

He has been exceptionally great about this whole baby thing. He’s very excited to be a grandpa, but is also very supportive of us. This is opposed to the rest of my family who is making me sort of sad. My sister has given very little indication that she is even aware that I am pregnant. She has no interest in coming up here to see the baby and every time I talk to her it’s like she’s forgotten that I’m pregnant. I thought it might have something to do with my getting pregnant before her (she’s five years my senior) but I kind of don’t think that’s even an issue. I think she just basically doesn’t care. It’s weird because we’re very close. The only thing she seems to care about is dogs, because when our dog was sick a few weeks ago, she called twice a day to check on him, but with humans apparently she cannot be bothered. Gah.

Also, my mother. Oh my mother. She is mostly great about the whole thing, except for the fact that her primary concern is winning the grandparent race to see the child first. No one else is competing but her, mind you. My in-laws are coming on January 1st (at our request) and while my dad is coming down for the birth, he is primarily coming to help us out. My mother is very concerned about where she stands compared to my father and it makes me want to NOT call her when I go into labor. I know that’s cruel, but I cannot deal with people who stress me out when I’m dealing with giving birth.

There are several other things that are completely freaking me out these days:

1. The fucking flu. I’m all vaccinated (even the H1N1, though the stupid nurse started squirting it out of the needle before putting it in my arm, so perhaps I have a useless dosage coursing through my veins? Add that as a stressor too) but still concerned about it and worried that Brett will get it, or somehow the baby will not get any protection from me.

2. Daycare. We’re still waiting to roll off waiting lists and if we don’t get into a place I have no idea what we’ll do. Perhaps I’ll smuggle her into my office and just keep my door shut all day and play music really loud.

3. The dogs and what exactly we will do with them when I go into labor because our hospital is an hour away and it could very easily be Thanksgiving when all of the neighbors and friends will be either out of town or entertaining. I’m hoping we can rely on my dad, but that definitely means that mom will be pissed, but she’s just not very reliable.
Money because we need a new car and we need to pay for daycare (should we get into one) and somehow the thought of being a brand new mommy and the only bread winner is just a tad overwhelming at times.

4. Labor and fears thereof. Pain. Not being able to go natural and disappointing myself and my husband (and having to show up at the freaking birthing class reunion as the only one to get an epidural). I know this should not be a concern, as I should only be concerned for a healthy baby, but I’m being honest in my stupidity.

5. The general worries of not being a good enough mom. I assume this is natural, but every night when I go to sleep and look over the bassinet and think about the fact that soon there will be a tiny infant there who’s life is entirely in our hands makes me feel like the rest of this shit just doesn’t really matter. I just want to do right by our baby.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Monday, October 19, 2009

pumps and nazi's, in that order pretty much

Hi. Don't have any new pictures for you. Working on it. Our camera is being difficult and I would really like a new one before baby, but I keep bleeding money due to purchase of such as things as breast pumps. For the love, these pumps are expensive. I know, they are well worth it and I finally (after agonizing over it for literally months) pushed the "purchase" button.

I did a lot of research before buying mine, and while everyone sings the praises of the Medela, I did not go with that particular model. Instead, I went with the Ameda because it was recommended by every lactation consultant I've talked too (which would be all of two) and a very normal, nice, big boobed lady in my LLL group. And yes, I've joined the breast feeding nazi's and so far, well I haven't seen anything particularly alarming about their behavior. They've been nothing but helpful and nice and I'm going to rely on them pretty heavily once baby is here and I need help with breastfeeding. Plus, I need some Mama friends, and many of these ladies I can see being friends with.

I also joined another Mama group, which is ridiculous seeing as I haven't even given birth yet, but I'm desperate for friends who are also moms because none of my friends have kids yet. Well, one just had her first 6-weeks ago, but she lives in California, so what good does that do me? Another one just found out she was pregnant, but is not due for 7 more months, so again, what good? I need me some mommy friends. I am stalking moms. I am crazy. If you have a child and live in the general vicinity of Northern Illinois, watch out if you see me at Target or the grocery store, I may come after you.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009


Here I am at 28 weeks. Obviously this was six weeks ago, but we haven't taken a picture for a while (mostly because I'm all "NO! PICTURES!"). Also, no make-up and the hair has lost all semblance of a "style" because it grows like a weed and I can't afford weekly hair cuts. Tonight we have to get all fancied up so that Brett can be inducted into an honor's society (I shout "nerd!" because I am jealous as I was never invited into any type of society) so perhaps we will take a picture in our finery (finery means the last remaining dress that fits me and the maternity tights that sported a hole after minutes of wearing but I refuse to buy new ones because it is highway robbery!).

Also, thanks for the book recommendations! Off to the library ASAP. And down with J. Up.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Still pregnant

I’m just going to jump into this thing as though it hasn’t been several months since I last stopped by. Okay? Okay.

Here I am, six short weeks before my due date. We are (about 98% sure) having a baby girl and in general, this pregnancy has been about as normal as can be. There are no red flags and all is progressing well. As far as we (including the medical folks involved) can tell, this baby is healthy and there is no reason for worry. And yet, I worry, because I am about to be a mom and that is what mom’s do. I love this baby with all my being, and I am so anxious to hold her that it’s practically all I think about or dream about. The first time I hold my baby, the millionth time I hold my baby, I cannot wait.

I am huge. Not overly huge, but certainly huge. I carry this belly around 24 hours a day, and yet when I catch a glimpse of myself in a mirror or see a picture Brett has taken of me, I am chronically astounded. I cannot believe how rotund my mid-section is. I am not remotely upset by this; instead I am exceedingly proud of my belly and will miss it. Aside from the fortune of having my new born in my arms, I will miss being pregnant. This is not to say that I am not miserable for a good portion of the day, for I certainly am, but I do enjoy all the thrills of being pregnant and doing this thing that only us womyns can do. It’s exhausting, uncomfortable, sometimes entirely unpleasant, but also it’s pretty awesome. Also, I like being able to bring her wherever I go and am so not thinking about the day I have to return to work and leave her at home. I like taking her with me.

Our goal is a “natural” birth. That is, one with no pain medication and as little intervention as possible. We took the class, Brett has a card in his wallet indicating that he is a “certified coach,” and I am appropriately motivated to DO THIS. However, I have no idea what “this” is going to be like and I just hope that whatever happens, I wind up with a healthy baby and that I too am healthy and that this is enough. I do NOT want this to be about the birth, but about the baby and this family: Baby, Me and Daddy. That’s all that needs to matter.

I just am so anxious for the time to be here, where I am in labor and we are officially on our way to holding our baby. I keep imagining the moment where she emerges and I really think I might die of emotion (and relief). I truly cannot imagine how big this moment is going to be and perhaps I’m over dramatizing, but I kind of don’t think so. This is the single most ridiculously amazing thing that I have ever endeavored to do and I fully believe that it will be emotionally all consuming and I want to have all my faculties about me for this.

Everyone tells me to “sleep now.” Yup, sounds like something you should say to a woman about to give birth, but you know what, this is the most useless piece of advice. Obviously I sleep as much as I can now, but that is already limited by my physical shape. My hips ache all night long, which keeps me up; I have to go to the bathroom, on average, five times a night, which obviously disrupts my sleep; and I still have to go to work and carry on with a life that will not stop for my discomfort. Thus, to all those “friends” of mine with their advice, SHUT IT.

Finally, I am in desperate need of more books to read. Brett requires a lot of study time these days, and due to the smallness of our house and the fact that we had to turn the study into the nursery, I can no longer watch TV much at all for it will disturb his studies (not something that concerns me, I am happy to oblige). However, that means that I now read, a lot. Problem is that I don’t know what to read. So tell me, what are some good books? I recently finished John Krakauer’s newest book (awesome and upsetting) and am now knee deep in the Witches of Eastwick because somehow I managed to have never read anything by John Updike. But, um, what next? Help a pregnant lady out?