Thursday, May 14, 2009

entering controversial territory

I am so very annoyed with a certain book I’m reading right now that I don’t know quite what to do about it. You see, I have always fully intended on receiving an epidural during labor. I still do, but because I like to be over prepared, I signed my husband and I up for birthing classes using the Bradley method. The teacher recommended that I read a book entitle Husband-Coached Childbirth, written by Dr. Bradley himself, who developed the Bradley method way back in the 1940’s.

I fear I have made a mistake investing in this book.

I’m sure that the breathing techniques I will learn, and the coaching techniques that Brett will learn will be helpful, but I can’t quite stomach the premise the dear Dr. Bradley gives us. You see, he begins his book talking about being raised on a farm and witnessing many a farm animal birth and wondering why those births seemed so pleasant and unassisted, where as human births need assistance and seem a lot more painful. He thinks it’s because we are not listening to our animal instinct. I think he should have watched PBS a little bit more.

I, admittedly, have not studied biology since (embarrassingly) high school, but I do know a couple of things: (1) Human babies have enormous heads, way bigger proportionally than any other mammal; and (2) Humans stand upright and therefore our pelvises had to change shape and size as opposed to animals who walk on all fours. These two factors make human childbirth a very different experience than any other animal. A much more difficult experience, in fact. You know where I learned this? Watching Nova, that’s where.

I also happen to know that many a time, cows need help in the birthing process. In fact, my husband was part of a calf birth that required the use of scary looking chains and I’m betting that that poor cow would have preferred the aid of an epidural and was not silently breathing, but instead mooing her pained head off.

All in all: F you Dr. Bradley.

Thursday, May 07, 2009


I just ate a donut and it was about the best thing I have ever had in my life. For about a week now, my appetite has increased. I’m a bit nervous about this, because not only do I not want to gain a lot of weight with this pregnancy, but I’m also not supposed to. The doc thinks I’d be fine with the lower end of the weight gain range, and while that’s sort of embarrassing to hear in front of your husband, it’s fine. I mean, if you saw me, which you have, in pictures, you probably wouldn’t say I was obese, but you know, I’ve got some meat on my bones. Also, in case I haven’t brought this up enough already, my boobs are the size of boulders, mountain sized boulers. All in all, I am a sturdy woman and am in no threat of wasting away if I don’t eat a donut.

However, I am hungry. So hungry. What I should do is actually bring healthy snacks to work so that I don’t eat the donut, but that would entail an actual trip to the grocery store, and if there’s one thing I hate, it’s grocery shopping. So boring.

I guess I’ll just make up for it with a very healthy lunch and then cringe when I get on the scale at the doctor’s this evening.

We’re having our 12 week ultrasound/sonogram thing tonight and I’m nervous and excited. So nervous because I am a worrier and I worry that something has gone wrong in the past 3 weeks. There is no reason for my worry, I just like to keep it slowly simmering under the surface. I’m excited because we will hopefully hear a heart beat and get a good glimpse of the baby, which never gets old.

In a few months, when the baby is here, I’ll be so excited that I no longer have to have a wand stuck up my vagina, or gel slathered over my belly in order to look at my baby. That will be nice.

I talked to my uncle last night, the crazy one married to the aunt who was less than congratulatory upon hearing the pregnancy news. Anyway, he lectured me about responsibility and that OUR LIVES WILL CHANGE FOREVER. Why do people do this? As if we don’t know. Oh my God, my eyes are still sore from all the rolling they were forced to do during that conversation. Of course, the man was drinking a gin and tonic during the conversation, which was, no doubt, not his first. I have a special family.

Tuesday, May 05, 2009

Almost lunch time

Last night Brett and I went to bed while it was still light outside. Brett wound up with a sinus infection and is on these nasty antibiotics that ravage his insides, and I am simply tired, all the time.

I read about 3 pages of my book and promptly feel asleep. All went according to plan until midnight when my body woke me up with THE WORST GASTROINTESTINAL PAIN OF MY LIFE. I was literally moaning in agony. I was also very worried because it felt a lot like cramps, which you know, aren’t a good thing to feel when you’re 11 weeks pregnant. I was a little bit freaking out, which I am wont to do, and in my midnight stupor, I sort of didn’t know what to do. Then it occurred to me that perhaps I should go to the bathroom. That’s when things really got interesting, and painful, and luckily it was all over in about 20 minutes. But oh my God, that was painful and awful and I can’t think of what I ate that would cause that level of distress because my entire diet consists of starch, apples and a few slices of Jarlsburg cheese for protein. Seriously, that’s it. I have the world’s worst diet right now.

The only thing I can think is that one of the perks of pregnancy is chronic constipation, and maybe my body just got so sick of being backed up that it orchestrated a very dramatic exit strategy. I don’t know. I’ll ask the doc on Thursday when we have our 12 week appointment. According to Dr. Google, it’s normal and fine and the baby was not harmed in the event, but mama sure was!

In other news, I want to make out with our new fence. A crew of four very skilled, very non-English speaking men spent all Friday putting our fancy new fence up. They did one hell of a job. I love it. It really highlights the fact that the rest of the yard is in poor shape, but at least we’re on our way to making it pretty. We basically spent the entire weekend shopping for the yard and plotting our strategy for Operation-Out-Do-Thy-Neighbor. We literally spent $200 on various seeds, sprays and lawn patches. Between our daily garden center sprees and the $3,100 dollar fence, our yard to soon to be worth more than the actual structure of the house. That’s fine, I think Brett would spend every moment outdoors if he could anyway.

Oh and the worst thing, which I had almost pushed out of my mind, is that fact that my car required $617.00 worth of stupid repairs yesterday. Is there anything worse than car repairs? No. In fact, we’ve decided that this is the final repair for the old girl. As much as I hate the idea of a car payment, that $617.00 is about two of them, so I’m sorry, but if anything else goes wrong, it’s good-bye Hyundai that has seen me through 5 states, 7 addresses and my first stab at adult life, and hello to something shiny and new. She just has to make it through the summer. Please!

Friday, May 01, 2009

Today is Okay

Today I am feeling GOOD. Like really good. A little nauseas, but nothing I can’t handle.

Yesterday was just plain old stupid. Brett was a total sweetheart of course, and after he read my email he offered to drive to my office (an hour away) just to give me a hug. Obviously that would have been ridiculous, but it was nice to hear nonetheless.

In other baby related business (for there is no other now), we have recently begun telling all of our friends about our pregnancy and mostly it’s been all positive. I mean, it has been all positive, but I do have one friend who has been trying to get pregnant for over two years. She and her husband have been seeing a fertility specialist for over a year and she’s had all sorts of procedures, tests, taken numerous medications, and nothing has worked. I was kind of nervous to tell her I was pregnant because, well, if I were her it would be kind of difficult to hear that your friend got pregnant on the first try. This is especially annoying since one of our other good friends is also pregnant and all of her siblings have recently had babies.

I called her the other night and just blurted it out, because I am tactful like that. She was congratulatory, but really didn’t want to hear much about it. I understand. I can’t imagine how hard it must be for her and I really wish she could have some good news. She’s got a great life in general and a career she loves, which is something I don’t have, but not being able to get pregnant must be incredibly frustrating. Especially when everyone around you seems to be knocked up.

It’s funny the way some people react to the news. My aunt, for example, who is a little bit crazy to begin with, had the worst response out of all informees. She has no children of her own and because of this, is particularly invested in the lives of my sister and me. She is also married to a complete wack job. I mean, truly, a man with some problems. Anyway, when I told her she said, “Are you sure you want to do this?” Um, excuse me? Is that not the stupidest response ever? I mean, I’m telling you when I’m 10 weeks pregnant, I think that choice portion of the pregnancy is pretty much over, and also, YES, of course I want to do this you mean cow.

Sorry, I didn’t realize how angry I was about that comment. But truly, why do people say the things they say? Even if you think it’s a bad idea, just be happy for me and leave your judgment for behind my back.

On the lighter side, I am recently obsessed with, of all things, Toaster Strudels. I crave them in the morning, and I try not to have them every day because they’re, you know, bad for you. However, the idea of a healthy breakfast often makes me want to cry. In fact that idea of vegetable in general makes me want to cry. I have had salad twice since becoming pregnant, and both times I’ve gotten sick and puked. I have no issues with fruit, in fact I find apples, strawberries and grapes absolutely delicious, but vegetables are evil. Good thing I can stomach the vitamins.

Have a happy weekend. Brett and I are going on a proper date tonight involving dinner out and a viewing of Hugh Jackman and my secret boyfriend from Friday Night Lights. Yippie!