Tuesday, December 04, 2007

Some more whining that only Tater-Tots can cure

I’ve kind of sad for the past couple of days because I miss the life we had in Billings. I miss our house, because it was nice and comfortable and didn’t fall apart. I miss having a garage where the cars didn’t get caked in ice and I miss the ease of living in a town that took 30 minutes to traverse. Everything here is more difficult. Then I feel guilty because it was me and only me who wanted so badly to leave Billings because it was supposed to be better here. I feel horrible for telling Brett it would be better here, and then it’s me who is sometimes the most homesick.

I’m upset because it seems that whenever I get comfortable, I leave. What is that? I’ve done it my entire life, and I’ve moved more times than a girl should. Sometimes I think it’s best to be slightly uncomfortable, because if you start getting too comfortable you stop growing and just become blah. But some comfort is good. In Billings we had people who cared about us. Here, we have no one. Man, I’m having trouble even writing about this because it’s just cutting too close.

It’s just that moving made me realize that I derive absolutely no satisfaction from my profession. I mean, I left Billings in hopes of being in happy in my job, because I thought (in my own delusional way) that it was the office, not me. Now I realize, the office was fine, it’s just me who hates the profession. In fact, sometimes I feel like it makes me a bad person (not all lawyers are bad people, but the kind of law I practice is not warm and fuzzy). Then I get pissed because I think I knew this in law school (like on day 2) and I should have quit. I should have stopped and thought about things before spending HUGE amounts of money on an education that I don’t think I ever truly wanted. Hindsight is 20/20 though. Also, I’m not dead or dying, so I can start making tracks to a new path, or just learn to be okay with my choices and recognize that the job does not make the person. I’m just mad, mad, mad and MAD at myself because I could have stopped this and (don’t think I’m shallow) wouldn’t be spending more money on student loans per month than rent.

Brett is a trooper. He said I made a good choice in wanting to move here. I think in the long run, I did too, but right now, it’s still too hard to see the forest for the trees.

I just keep repeating my mantra, and it helps, it does.

You know what else helps? Knowing that you’ll soon be devouring Tater-Tot Hotdish courtesy of your soon to be husband who makes it okay to be mad.

Also, it just started snowing. Assuming my drive home doesn’t kill me, I will be happy if we get a few inches to make the world quiet and new.


Jess said...

Sometimes you have to make a decision for the wrong reasons in order to understand what the right reasons really are. This just happened to my sister over totally different circumstances. She was completely torn and she finally made what she was sure was a final decision, and only because it was so final in her head was she able to understand that it wasn't what she had actually wanted. And so now she's doing what she wanted. It's so complicated. I think it's good that you're facing all these issues and that Brett is so supportive. And that you are being so honest with yourself and that even in the midst of all this you still have some real perspective. And also I think that there's no reason for you to feel guilty for having advocated the move in the first place and then second-guessing it. We're all entitled to change our minds or experience self-doubt, no matter how sure we might have felt before.

Also, tater tots will help. And snow.

amber said...

I don't think you're shallow, I think you're awesome. Everyone second-guesses their decisions at one point or another. Don't be so hard on yourself.

Artemisia said...

Missing a former home is so heartwrenching. However, I am happy to hear that you have friends that mean so much to you that it tugs on your heart to think you left them. You still have them, you do!

I think it is INCREDIBLY brave to acknowledge that you are unhappy with law. The degree, the competitiveness of law school, the ridiculous student loans, and yes, the prestige that comes from a professional degree like law, seem like it would make it very difficult to follow through on those thoughts that end with realizing and voicing your dissatisfaction. I think you are on the right path. Right now. Regardless where it ends, and you won't know where that is right now anyway, it is going to be an honest place that you land.

Really, Flibberty, I am really, really proud of you, happy for you, and even a little nervous for you.

Geezuz - listen to me. I swear I have not had the Hallmark Channel or Lifetime on in my room! I swear!

Artemisia said...

P.S. Brett sounds pretty damn fabulous. As do tater tots

Stephanie said...

Oh Flib (can I call you Flib?), I have been lamenting my decision to move to the city since the day I signed my lease. I had my almost perfect life and chose to give it up for a place where I feel like I shed more tears than smile.

In other words, I hear you. I try to be positive (I'm becoming more independent, I'm learning new things, blah blah blah) but it's really hard, and although I don't believe in god, I do believe that everything happens for some reason and fate will direct us where we need to go.

Hang in there, you're not alone.

Cheri said...

Um, tater tot hotdish??? Spill.

Tessie said...

My questions is: do you put veggies in your tator tot hotdish? I find that people have very strong feelings on this.

I have a TACO SALAD recipe that features tator tots, if you can believe that. I'll email it to ya.

Sorry about the soul-sucking profession. I hear ya there. I try to think of it as upping the average Coolness Quotient of CPAs.

claire said...

I have been reading about so many Lawyer-bloggers that are not happy with their jobs. It seems like such a let down to go through all of that school and then decide you hate it. I can understand how crushing that must be. Aren't there other things you can do with a law degree? I know that Lara on "Red Red Whine" got a job as a law-recruiter and is so much happier..
And what is this tater-tot "hotdish" you speak of, hmm? that sounds awesome.

Swistle said...

Oh, this is very sad! Paul and I call this "not knowing where the toothbrushes are." When we moved to WA (my idea, which involved 2,500 miles of driving), I left my toothbrush behind in a motel, so as soon as we got to our town in WA the next night we went to a drug store. It was hard to find one, because we didn't know where the hell anything was, and then when we went in, it was all unfamiliar and I couldn't find the toothbrushes and I burst into tears. Not because of toothbrushes specifically, but because of unfamiliarity, doubt, and regret.