Tuesday, November 27, 2007

One of the reasons I felt compelled to delete all of my previous entries was due to the fact that a lot has changed over the past few months, and I felt like those entries really did not reflect me anymore. When I read those entries it felt as though I was writing as someone else. It felt like I was trying to portray a character, because much of what I wrote about really wasn’t anything terribly personal or relevant (aside from some entries that occurred on a “solid” day). I believe that this occurred because the past few months have involved so much change that I got lost a bit. I’ve certainly felt lost. I think both Brett and I have felt lost due to every single thing being different and trying to sort out what we want, when we want it, and whether we truly value the things we think we want. Throw in some intense desire to please everyone in our lives and you’ve got a recipe for forgetting who you presently are. It’s confusing and sometimes depressing and sometimes exciting.

The reason we left Montana was to give me more opportunity in my career, and because I was certain it would be better. However, we got here and I realized that maybe I am not as driven in my career as I thought. This is a HUGE change in my perception of my life because I always thought of myself as a highly motivated, successful, career oriented individual and I never wanted to settle, I always wanted to be working towards something better. Now I’m here, and I think maybe I want to change gears a bit. There are particular reasons for this, which involve specifics about my job and where I work, but regardless of those, I’ve simply matured and gotten appropriately bitter and cynical. I see how it works now, and there are a lot of games that I cannot and will not play. Money is nice and I certainly enjoy paying bills and living in a nice house, but my career has not, and will not give me the satisfaction I thought it would.

So, now what? I don’t know. Brett’s in school and I want him to be happy in his decision to pursue a new career, and I am excited for him, but I’m also feeling jealous that he can go back and do it again. I could too, just not right now. Maybe in the future, and that’s exciting to think about. Of course I just want to be positive and stop being so damn insecure. I’m insecure about work, I’m insecure about my body, I’m insecure about my ability to manage finances, I’m insecure about having moved in the first place, I’m insecure about losing and keeping and making friends, I’m insecure every time I deal with my family, I’m insecure about throwing a wedding (not the marriage, but the party), and I’m insecure about my ability to make choices. This is kind of a yucky place to be and I need to calm down and just let it roll for a while. I’ve got so much to be happy about, and yet my insecurity dims it all and makes me feel separated from my life.

Brett and I came up with a new motto last night (for both of us): “Stop being such a bitch.” (“bitch” in this sense meaning, pussy or person who cannot see the forest for the trees, or someone who may engage in self-defeating practices and who may not appreciate all the good they got)


Jess said...

I think those are really good issues to have realized about yourself, and to have discussed with Brett. It's good that you know that not all decisions need to be made right now. I think it's interesting about the whole career thing--I've started to feel that way too. It seems that young, educated women are constantly being told that we can succeed, we can be anything we want to be, we can be CEOs or have high-powered careers in whatever field we want, and that's great, but it's almost like we're being set up to assume that that's what's going to make us feel happy and fulfilled, and for some of us that just isn't the case. So it's good that you're able to understand that about yourself and realize that there are other things that also make you feel fulfilled, some more than your career.

Also, I love the new motto! I hope you guys stick to it.

Artemisia said...

AWESOME MOTTO. AWESOME POST. Ok, enough with the caps lock.

Seriously, though, I think this was a truly courageous post because of the honesty it required. Honesty in what you've decided to share with us (thank you) and honesty to dig in and realize this about yourself. This is some scary work, my dear. Wow.

Oh, this is so brave, Flibberty!

Tessie said...

I literally relate to nearly every word of this, as usual. Every single time I have made a decision based on my career, I have regretted it in some way in the end.

I have never been incredibly motivated in my career, and this definitely sets me apart in my profession. I know it does in yours too. I have found, though, that if you set clear boundries on what you will and will not do in your career (staying late, working from home, etc) that people mostly respect them.

Also, I think it is really great that you are addressing this and making changes, if any, before you have any (HYPOTHETICAL JESUS AM PUSHY) kids. It seems like many women let having kids be the thing that finally wakes them up re: career ambition, and that is how we end up with people who think kids and career can't be balanced effectively and also that women aren't as effective after kids. Also terms like FUCKING MOMMY BRAIN which I can't stand.

Hey, was this entry about YOU? Sorry about that.

I loved it. I love you, you are totally awesome, as far as I know, and I wish I knew you for reals. That is all (FINALLY).

JMC said...

I think I know EXACTLY what you are feeling. I felt for the longest time that everything was temporary - my job, where I lived, etc., and that I was always trying to move TOWARD something different or better. The older I get, the more that changes. I definitely feel more of a sense of permanence now, and of trying to do what I can to make the here and now as good as it can be, and the future will work itself out.

LoriD said...

It sounds like you've had a moment of clarity, which is GOOD. And, I think it takes a great deal of security and inner strength to put your insecurities out there for all the internets to see.

I had my moment in the middle of a job interview one time. It was a really great job at a great place that I could walk to from home. During my second interview, the VP asked me the hours I expected to work. I had one kid at the time and said confidently, "I expect to work 40 hours a week, Monday to Friday." She looked shocked and asked if I understood that this was a senior a position. I said I did understand that, but at the end of the day I wasn't willing to kill myself working at the expense of my family or my own sanity. I was offered the job, but declined just because I didn't like that the VP (who I would be reporting to) was shocked at my original answer.

Sorry, that was a long way of saying that your "aha" moment was bound to happen sometime, and now is as good a time as any.

amber said...

I feel like now is the time to say something meaningful or profound to help give you some clarity, but to be entirely honest I am not that type of friend. I am the type of friend who laughs nervously and then says or does something insanely stupid and hopefully hilarious. Since that isn't an option, I'll just agree that your new motto is pretty good.