One of the reasons I felt compelled to delete all of my previous entries was due to the fact that a lot has changed over the past few months, and I felt like those entries really did not reflect me anymore. When I read those entries it felt as though I was writing as someone else. It felt like I was trying to portray a character, because much of what I wrote about really wasn’t anything terribly personal or relevant (aside from some entries that occurred on a “solid” day). I believe that this occurred because the past few months have involved so much change that I got lost a bit. I’ve certainly felt lost. I think both Brett and I have felt lost due to every single thing being different and trying to sort out what we want, when we want it, and whether we truly value the things we think we want. Throw in some intense desire to please everyone in our lives and you’ve got a recipe for forgetting who you presently are. It’s confusing and sometimes depressing and sometimes exciting.

The reason we left Montana was to give me more opportunity in my career, and because I was certain it would be better. However, we got here and I realized that maybe I am not as driven in my career as I thought. This is a HUGE change in my perception of my life because I always thought of myself as a highly motivated, successful, career oriented individual and I never wanted to settle, I always wanted to be working towards something better. Now I’m here, and I think maybe I want to change gears a bit. There are particular reasons for this, which involve specifics about my job and where I work, but regardless of those, I’ve simply matured and gotten appropriately bitter and cynical. I see how it works now, and there are a lot of games that I cannot and will not play. Money is nice and I certainly enjoy paying bills and living in a nice house, but my career has not, and will not give me the satisfaction I thought it would.

So, now what? I don’t know. Brett’s in school and I want him to be happy in his decision to pursue a new career, and I am excited for him, but I’m also feeling jealous that he can go back and do it again. I could too, just not right now. Maybe in the future, and that’s exciting to think about. Of course I just want to be positive and stop being so damn insecure. I’m insecure about work, I’m insecure about my body, I’m insecure about my ability to manage finances, I’m insecure about having moved in the first place, I’m insecure about losing and keeping and making friends, I’m insecure every time I deal with my family, I’m insecure about throwing a wedding (not the marriage, but the party), and I’m insecure about my ability to make choices. This is kind of a yucky place to be and I need to calm down and just let it roll for a while. I’ve got so much to be happy about, and yet my insecurity dims it all and makes me feel separated from my life.

Brett and I came up with a new motto last night (for both of us): “Stop being such a bitch.” (“bitch” in this sense meaning, pussy or person who cannot see the forest for the trees, or someone who may engage in self-defeating practices and who may not appreciate all the good they got)