Thursday, April 30, 2009

Feelings

I’m having a rough day today. I spent my hour long commute fighting off tears and now that I’m at the office I’m continuing my reign of crazy. Just to illustrate, there are window washers here and I started crying when they came in to wash the windows in my office because my desk is such a mess that they couldn’t even get to the windows to wash them. These gentlemen didn’t even speak English and couldn’t explain to them why I was upset. I suppose that even if they did speak English it would be difficult to explain the crazy to them.

If only I was showing already so folks would sort of give me a break, maybe.

I don’t even know what’s wrong, except everything. Last night I couldn’t sleep because our dog is on antibiotics and they make his stomach upset and he puked on the bed. Brett got upset and there was some stress and then I was AWAKE with the stress. I am very sensitive to the STRESS of every living being in our house. Apparently Bear now bit open his scab on his rear end wound and bled all over the other blanket that he didn’t puke on. I feel so sorry for him, and also STRESSED because I know it upsets Brett and that makes me anxious. Also, there is only so much laundry a family can tolerate.

I am crazy.

Brett called this morning and we had a chat about aforementioned dog issues and I couldn’t even tell him anything honest, so I had to email him. I had to email my own husband the truth about my STRESS and propensity to cry and not sleep. I just couldn’t do it live and in person because I was afraid that he would just get annoyed with me or exacerbated or just wouldn’t care. My husband is a very kind man, so that would probably not be the response, but this is the anxiety level I’m talking about.

I had to email my own husband with a statement of feelings. What?

Then again, we do sometimes have to write things down, even when I’m not hormonally crazy because we both have a hard time getting our words out sometimes.

I’m just feeling really raw and also swollen as my finger fat is puffing out above my wedding ring and my face is now the size of an overripe pumpkin.

This is why I like reading about babies and watching “A Baby Story” on TLC. It reminds me of why my body is doing this and why my heart is 10 sizes too big and all together too sensitive.

7 comments:

Jess said...

Ugh. This part does not sound like fun. But oo, the baby part will be so worth it.

CAQuincy said...

I can't even begin to tell you the number of times I cried over seemingly silly things but for some reason THEY MATTERED TO ME IN COSMIC WAYS AND IN EVERY FIBER OF MY BEING RIGHT NOW while pregnant and post-partum and.... It's a mess, I tell ya.

And I usually have to email my husband the "state of emotions address" even when I'm NOT pregnant. I can't seem to word it well and in a way that he won't think I'm CRAZY when he's in front of me. Yup, even NOW, four + years after our baby-making days are over!

Chin up! :-)

desperate housewife said...

I have to write my feelings to people all the time. Nothing wrong with that at all, pregnant or not.
I hope you feel better soon!

Fiona Picklebottom said...

The first trimester is the worst; it gets a little less roller-coastery as you go. Well, until the THIRD trimester, but by then you're so focused on wanting to be DONE ALREADY that you don't notice the crazy as much. :)

Also, I NEVER say felling-type stuff OUT LOUD. That just leads to trouble. :) Writing it down is good, so there is the opportunity to edit and delete and edit and edit and edit...

artemisia said...

Oh, honey, I wish I could give you a hug right now. I am pretty sure Brett will surprise you. You know he is awesome - you married him!

Hang in there. You are making a HUMAN BEING. That is pretty hard work.

parkingathome said...

Holy cow I feel your pain, dear. Also, I think you're super smart to write down what you're feeling because it just doesn't WORK when you're sitting there either a) freaking the freak out with anxiety or b) sobbing...it's just not a good environment to share how you feel, so writing it down is probably so much more helpful.

You're in for quite a ride, m'dear. I have spent these last 6 months being really pissed that no one really conveyed to me how SUCKY pregnancy can be and all the CRAZY STUFF that goes on. But, in the end it'll be worth it even if we're nuts or sick or tired or anxious or stressed or or or ...

artemisia said...

*snort* The word verification for my first comment was "bumsong." That HAS to cheer you up a little bit.