Tuesday, January 08, 2008

terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day

This is an entry with a very woe is me tenor, and I know there are situations that are far worse, but perspective is sometimes hard to find. I'm just saying that because I may look back on this and feel dumb for being so devoid of aforementioned perspective.

Today is just sort of a day I really should have slept through. First of all, it's dreary, and far too warm for January, which is completely throwing me off. Give me some 25 below zero weather and I'm fine, but this 60 degree bullshit is just not right for January and makes me afraid for civilization, and also 184 degree summers.

More importantly, my dad informed me that his prostate cancer has metastasized to his bones. We kind of new this was a distinct possibility, but when I received the news in an email to my work email at 7am in the office this morning, I was a bit unprepared. He is really busy with work until tomorrow, so basically I can't talk to him until tomorrow, and it sucks. Cancer is a sucky thing. There's no other way for me to say that.

Also, I went to the urologist yesterday and he said to me, "I don't know what to tell you." That's never what you want to hear from your doctor. You want to hear, "I have a drug with minimal side-effects that will completely cure your condition." But no, instead he tells me I'm some kind of medical mystery. So he put me on a huge dose of antibiotics for no other reason than he doesn't know what else to do. I promptly went to my gynecologist and made an appointment because maybe this isn't about my bladder . . . maybe it's about my girl parts? Well the gyne wants me to under go a laparoscopy and a dilation and curettage and that's fine, except that my lingering fear that this is somehow related to my reproductive parts is now fully formed. I'm very scared that something has gone so wrong that I won't be able to have babies. I have no evidence that this is the case yet, but I am petrified of that result. I want to have babies.

Clearly not bringing the sunshine today. Forgive me.

9 comments:

Jess said...

No forgiveness is necessary. I'm so sorry about your father. And I am crossing my fingers for you that whatever condition you have, it's figured out and cured soon, and that it doesn't have anything to do with your reproductive capabilities.

Swistle said...

No, no, no. "Lack of perspective" is moaning about the grocery store being out of a certain brand of cookies, and ACTING like it's metastacized cancer and a D&C.

Or maybe it is not helpful to point out that these are things to be genuinely upset and concerned about.

Stephanie said...

Poor poor Alexander!

I'm so sorry to hear you're still stuck with your condition and no explanation. And sorry for your daddy. Fingers are crossed for all to get better quickly!

JMC said...

So sorry to hear about your dad. Cancer is indeed a sucky thing.

As for your medical troubles, us southern folk like to say, "Don't go borrowin' trouble." Which basically means that until you KNOW something for a fact (that whatever is going on with you will have anything whatsoever to do with having babies), don't stress yourself over it. Easier said than done, I know. Alternatively, it means that there is no point in stressing over things that are out of your control. Also easier said than done. Us southerners sure have stupid sayings.

Have you considered writing to the show Mystery Diagnosis on Discovery Health? I LOVE and ADORE that show! Maybe they could put you in touch with some good specialists that could figure you out. Free of charge of course, in exchange for letting them film the whole figuring it out process.

amber said...

You should always feel free to say whatever you need to on your blog, and be assured we (especially me) will keep coming back for more.

I'm very sorry about your Dad, and I'm thinking of you.

Anna said...

Truly a sucky, sucky day! Cancer really does suck.
I hope you find out what's wrong soon and it's nothing more than a tiny problem that will be fixed with a few little pills.

Tessie said...

I am so sorry about all of this. Don't give up on getting an answer on your medical issues. BR went through something like this with his "man parts" (SPECIFIC!) and it seemed to me that most of the docs he saw were just lazy. They didn't see one of their top three diagnoses, and so they just threw up their hands. Keep trying.

I'm so sorry about your dad. I had to chuckle though since giving that kind of news through email is EXACTLY the way my family would do it. "I have bad cancer news. Have a good day at work!"

Hang in there.

LoriD said...

That is a no good, very bad day. I'm sorry to hear about your dad. Cancer is very scary. Hope you find some answers to your own medical mystery. On the Mystery Diagnosis show, it's always a specialist at a university that figures out the problem.

Pickles & Dimes said...

I'm sorry about your dad and your undiagnosed pain problem. That really, really sucks.

Wishing for positive outcomes for both of you.