Well, still feeling sad. I’m touchy about it too, and I’m just generally far too sensitive these days. I’m so convinced that I made the wrong decision moving here, but I so don’t want that to be the case, that any inkling of “not happy” makes me jump around in a crazy defensive dance. It sucks, and it’s a lot of emotional work.
Also, I have to undergo something called “urodynamics” tomorrow morning. This test involves inserting catheters in two areas that are generally used only for evacuation. This makes me want to hurl. Adding to the high hurl factor is that I’m pretty sure that the test will reveal nothing, and the doctor will say, “well, everything looked find, so . . .” So indeed. I’m becoming a case for House.
If this test shows that nothing is wrong with me, when clearly there is something wrong with me, I don’t know what I’ll do except go insane. It sucks because I can’t have coffee, which I love, and more importantly, I can’t really have sex. I can live with no coffee, but sex is rather important. I hate my body for doing this to us.
However, I made brownies last night, and Brett brought home 4 gallons of delicious ice cream and we had brownie sundaes and they were good. Tonight we will go out for drinks with a couple of my coworkers and I hope we have some laughs.
I’m really not so mopey on the outside, but this here blog gets to see the ugly innards. Someone has to (besides Brett). It helps.
Now I get to go to “Communication Training.” I’m sure it will involve “dyads” and “active listening” and I maybe should have brought a flask to work today.
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5 comments:
I'm so sorry about the sex! That just sucks. And I hope that the tests reveal something, and that the something is easily treatable. And I also think you are amazing for being so honest.
I hope they can find a cause for your pain soon. That sucks not knowing what's going on, and not being able to enjoy the things you should be able to enjoy in the meantime.
Sadly, I think I would be equally bummed about the sex and the coffee. I'm so sorry about this. I hope they find something soon (I mean not something BAD, but you know).
I know active listening, but what are dyads?
Also, when my third daughter was 2 months old, she had to go through something similar to the test you are describing. It turned out she had bladder reflux, where the urine from the bladder "backs up" to the kidneys, causing UTIs. She had to be on prophylactic antibiotics until she was two, to prevent kidney infections. For anyone who wants to ream me for contributing to superbugs, the antibiotics were solely for the type of bacteria that cause UTIs, NOT staph, strep, etc. Of course, maybe you have a UTI superbug, in which case, I apologize. :)
Anyway, the point of all that was, is something like that what they are looking for? If so, I think it can be surgically fixed. My daughter outgrew it (most kids do by age two, it's some kind of development thing), but they told me if she didn't, she would have to have surgery to correct it. In any case, I hope they come up with a diagnosis. No matter what it is, not knowing is worse. I went through not knowing with my second and it was hell.
Hope your super-crappy-sounding procedure goes okay, and hope you can have sex and coffee again soon (did that sound weird?).
At least you have brownies and a crap load of ice cream as a temporary replacement?
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