Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Typical

Monday night, while doing my volunteer stint at the nearby no-kill shelter, I was sexually harassed by a beagle.

My job at the shelter consists of taking the dogs out one by one, playing with each of them for as long as whether permits (insert witch’s tit reference here), feeding dogs, scrubbing down each dog’s kennel, changing dog’s bedding, and then taking them out again. With 22 dogs and 4 volunteers, this takes a little over 3 hours and is quite the work-out. For reals. I think that given the snooty, self-absorbed neighborhood of the particular shelter, the owners should advertise for volunteers by stating that it is the ultimate workout and appeal to the superficial nature of some of the folks nearby.

Nevertheless, my favorite part is when I get to play with the pooches and then after they’re all clean and fed, we get to hang out and pet them in their kennels. There was a new beagle, and I stopped into his kennel to hang out, see what was what, and maybe get his opinion on the results of Super Tuesday. All was fine and good, until I got up to leave, and the beagle caught a glimpse of my legs, which must have looked like the sexiest pair of prone standard poodles to him because .5 seconds later he had attached himself to my leg and started in. Troubling.

More troubling was the fact that I had inadvertently locked myself in the kennel with Humpy McBeagle. This was embarrassing. I paused, stunned and concerned because I could not hear any of the other volunteers nearby. Humpy continued with his business with increasing eagerness. Mild panic started building in my gut and worked it’s way up to my vocal cords where it was released as a miniscule “help!” A little bit louder, “Hey, I’ve got a beagle doing pornographic things to my leg, and I’m an idiot and locked myself in his kennel. PLEASE for the love of Eukanuba can you let me out!!!”

Shortly thereafter, a very smug looking 17 year old came over and explained to me how to use the “emergency latch” at the bottom of the kennel door. She rolled her eyes when I laughed and said these things were idiot proof. I have to hate her.

P.S. Humpy is fine; he’s just in need of a conjugal visit. Unfortunately a “conjugal visit” is code for a “snip snip.”

13 comments:

Stephanie said...

That sounds like so much fun! Playing with the dogs, I mean, NOT getting molested by an eager beagle.

Artemisia said...

Smug 17-year-olds are the WORST.

I would have died.

I am so glad that is a no-kill shelter! Ours is not, and I just cannot bear it. I also cannot volunteer, as I would come home with a new pet every time I was there.

Penny said...

Oh, poor Humpy! That story is kinda funny though.

Jess said...

I WANT that job. Humpy McBeagle and all. Poor Humpy.

desperate housewife said...

That is so great that you volunteer! I'm with Artemisia- it would kill me to volunteer at ours, because I'd show up one day and notice one of the long-timers was gone and I'd know... He had gone to the Happy Hunting Ground in the sky.

3carnations said...

We've got a Beagle, but he's fixed and has no interest in the ladies...or the leggies.

I'm not sure there's a support group for victims of your particular type of harassment... :)

amber said...

Eeep. I feel bad for you, but I'm laughing. I'm sorry.

amber said...

Oh, and at least it was a beagle and not, say, a BIG dog. Like a St. Bernard or something.

Swistle said...

Ha ha--love the code word!

CAQuincy said...

LOL. I'm crying here!

Marie Green said...

Wow, what a night! =) Poor under-sexed doggie!

eleanorstrousers said...

Apparently Valentine's Day even gets beagles in the mood. Hilarious!

Pickles & Dimes said...

Comedy gold. My favorite parts:

I was sexually harassed by a beagle.

PLEASE for the love of Eukanuba can you let me out!!!

Hee!

Also, when I win the lottery, I plan on starting a no-kill shelter. Like Artemisia, I can't volunteer at the shelters by us because I'd come home with a pet every time, plus I cry whenever I think about the animals who don't get adopted. This is also why Jason doesn't let me see the animals for adoption at Petco every time either.